Conquering the Lion of….Grief and Loss….(it’s not just about Death and Dying)

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Conquering the Lion of….Grief and Loss….(it’s not just about Death and Dying)

sharasmile • May 20, 2019

When we hear the phrase “Grief and Loss”, often images of someone grieving over another who has died comes to mind. Perhaps you think of Kubler and Ross’s Five Stages of Grief, “denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance”. Of course it makes sense to attach “grief and loss” to death, but I’d like to challenge us to expand our thinking to include (more regularly) much more.

Before I went back to school to become a counselor, I was a teacher. I didn’t know much about depression, anxiety, grief, loss, and mindfulness. I didn’t know how important it was to pay attention to my moods, feelings, and behaviors. If I WAS paying attention to these things, I didn’t know what to do with them if they were off. I did have a group of friends and family that loved me, and I’d say I’m a pretty emotionally “tuned in” individual. BUT, the feelings I was chronically having, I especially didn’t know to pay attention to, and give myself a break from. I only wish someone would have told me that I was dealing with grief and loss most of my 30’s. Because of my lack of knowledge and perhaps some of my pride, I lived with a heavy load on my shoulders I did not know how to ask for help carrying.

So in writing this, I want to encourage us all to extend our thinking of grief and loss to anyTHING someone may have lost. ANYTHING. Period. AND that “thing” could even be something they never really “HAD” in the first place…A lost dream or hope. Here is my experience.

I was raised in Tennessee by my parents who stayed married until my dad died of cancer in 2013. My extended family is large, with aunts, uncles, and cousins that also modeled the “traditional American” family of two parents each having 1-2 children. Because of my upbringing, my Christian roots, and the area of the country where I grew up, my future was focused on getting married and having my own children. My mom and I would talk about my future husband, we would dream about my wedding, and we would talk about how I would raise my family. Sure, I would work…but that was secondary and perhaps even tertiary. I would dream about the house I would decorate and the meals and birthday parties I would prepare and host. I envisioned the dogs we would have, the church we would go to, and the parties we would enjoy. I was excited for my future and had it all planned out.

Over time, after many failed dating relationships and getting older, little by little those dreams started slipping away and I couldn’t wrap my brain around what to do about it. Meanwhile I was living the single life, but I felt I didn’t know how to do that very well since I never had planned or envisioned THAT for myself. I mean, what was I supposed to do with all this time on my hands? Even going to the gym didn’t seem to be enough to fill the time after work every day! And, I DATED. I spent A LOT of time and energy dating. Every time I went through a break up of a serious relationship, I believe I went through grief and loss, but never did anyone label it so, and I FOR SURE wasn’t going to, either. Each break up was more difficult not only because of the depth and uniqueness of it, and the loss of that person in my life, but because I was older, the dreams of my future would fade a bit more each time.

At the time, I was teaching. I would remember dragging myself from bed every morning and having to force myself to smile and interact with my students and co-workers after a breakup. Sometimes “getting back to normal” took months. I felt I was on autopilot, in a fog, and just forcing myself through life in those moments. I remember feeling like I SHOULD BE ok, after all, it was ONLY a breakup.

Meanwhile, I would see how there were other staff members going through tough times such as a death in their family or having an adoption not going through. These staff members would have the full support of the rest of the team, sending cards, flowers, and small gifts to their desk in condolence. I remember feeling badly that I was angry that no one was there to help me through my pain, but I told myself, it made sense, their loss was so much more significant than mine. Afterall, they really were REALLY grieving. I was NOT. At least that’s what I told myself THEN. Now I know better, and can give myself “permission”. My feelings of loss were just as huge. Valid. I was suffering. Period. I had experienced a great deal of loss….loss of hope, loss of a vision for my future, loss of my dreams. And, top it all of, I was alone with my feelings, embarrassed at how deeply I was being impacted by something as “small” as a breakup.

Unfortunately, I now believe that because my grief went unrecognized for many years, I went through a large portion of my 30’s with untreated depression. Because I’m high functioning, and pushed myself through those years and got myself to work day after day and year after year, got to parties, spent time with friends, no one recognized my symptoms. I didn’t recognize my symptoms. But because I’m sitting on the other side of it now, I realize I was NOT OK. I was suffering. I didn’t allow myself to call the “death” of my dream and vision for my future GRIEF. LOSS. I didn’t call it that because I didn’t know any better. But that was exactly what I was going through. Just like grieving the loss of a loved one, I was grieving the loss of my future, as I knew it.

There are more twists and turns to my story. I’ll get to those later. In this moment, however, now with the training I’ve had as a counselor and more life under my belt, I can look back and have compassion and understanding for that woman that struggled for so many years. I am on the other side of my grief, large in part because of a change in career and learning to adjust to my new “normal”: creating a new future for myself without the husband, children, and the “white picket fence”. It took a LONG time to build that new future, but it excites me more and more each day and having that hope has created a new sense of joy and passion in my life.

ONE of my hopes is this: Perhaps MY STORY can be a gentle whisper in the midst of YOURS. If you are struggling with loss of any kind please know you may be going through the stages of grief and that may be why you don’t feel “like yourself”. If it’s been going on so long that you feel like your sadness is “just who you are”, look again and ask some questions. There may be something going on that can be helped. If you are struggling, and you are able to recognize it, or get help recognizing it, do what you can to address it rather than sweep it under the rug because you are getting to work “fine”, your relationships are “fine”, and everything APPEARS “fine” (on the surface). “Help” could be a wise friend or family member, a book, a podcast, an article online, and it could be a mental health professional. Whoever it is, whatever it is, start talking, asking, and get the help you need. If you feel something is “off” in your life, and it’s been that way for some time, do anything you can to fight to get your life BACK. Fight for joy, peace, and contentment. Fight for your vision, your hope, your future.

In looking back, I believe the journey I took was part of the plan for my life. My struggles have given me a story unlike any other, and it’s that story that has brought me to the joy and thrill I have today to lean and live into. I hope you can, one day, say the same about yours!

Peace, Love, and Go Conquer Some Lions!

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Conquering the LION of Dying Alone

By sharasmile • 28 Nov, 2022

A Singing Chicken and Dying Alone …..Wait, WHAT? Dying Alone is a trigger phrase that I think many people have thought about and feared. Well, I’m in the norm on this one and I want to share a little about how this phrase and the fear of dying alone , for me, morphed over time and, thankfully, is no longer a fear. But what about singing chickens ? Let me explain. Last weekend, one of my best friends sent me the funniest video. She has bought a house in the country and has been working to renovate it and make it home. Unbeknownst to me, she now has chickens. Randomly, she sent a video of her chicken: “Agatha, who sings opera”. She texted: “turn up the volume” attached with the video. I quickly complied, watched and listened…. And laughed. Folks, her chicken literally sounds like she is singing opera. Of course I wanted to share it with the world. After my laughter died (after watching it several times), I thought about our friendship. One that goes back to 2002 before we were roommates in our 30’s. Both single gals, dating in the Northern Virginia/ Washington D.C area, we shared many ups and downs during that time. Relationships loved and lost over the years. In the years since, we have both moved out of the DC area each to our different state homes. Our friendship has stayed strong. I laughed and wondered if we would have EVER imagined ourselves living the lives we have now, both still single, her in the country with chickens and myself in the Nashville area working as a counselor. People, I NEVER knew she wanted to own chickens! Apparently, it was always a dream of hers. As I laughed about a singing chicken, which seemed the most random shift for my friend’s life, I thought about how my life has taken many shifts over the years. Where I once feared living as a person not married and not having children, that of course would lead to the fear of dying alone . I thought about my many friends, family members, and life experiences I have made, developed, and had since those days when I feared dyin g alone I thought about how I no longer fear dying alone as a person not married. Side bar: I like the reframe of “single” to “not married”. If you ask anyone that knows me well, I have many relationships and do not FEEL alone (single) too often. So the word “single” doesn’t seem to fit. I’d go even as far as to say that in my unmarried-ness I may be more connected than some of my married counterparts. OK, I KNOW these types of relationships are very different , however, I also know that just because one is married, that does not guarantee b eing connected, t ogether , or n ot feeling alone . But that’s a BLOG for a different day! In thinking back to my fear of dying alone , I was able to realize that what that meant was that if and when I became unhealthy, incapacitated, that no one would visit me, help me, care about my well-being. The fear of dying alone meant that few people would come to my funeral or that my life, in the end would be as if it never happened. That it would make little impact. That no one would care, no one would know of my dying process or my actual death. The FEAR of dying alone was more about the meaning of my life and the impact of my life on others. That FEAR was more about not making a difference on this planet and in essence, not making a difference in the hearts and minds of other humans. When I’ve had time over the past years to think about my impact, what I want it to be, and who I want it to be on, I have made decisions and become more proactive about the use of my time, my energies, and the recognition on the use of my talents. When my dad died, sure, he had his family surrounding him in his last days. but he also had many other people I didn’t even know he had in his life. Friends, colleagues, classmates, former work friends, the list was long. I heard story after story from these people about how my dad changed their lives for the better. My D ad left a legacy not only in who I am as his c hild , but in the person he was as a man, a philanthropist, a volunteer, a worker, a brother, an uncle. My dad’s life touched many lives and that was because he cared about people. He gave time, energy, and money to others. He left a major impact on people’s lives through the many facets of his personality and a life well-lived. HE showed me what it meant to build a strong community around oneself and live using all of one’s talents for the betterment of others. In the process of becoming a counselor, and observing lives, life change, and relationships over the years, I have had the privilege of working with people from all walks of life that have shared their fears and heart breaks with me. I have come to see that married people with children have spouses die, children turn away from parents, children have disabilities and need full-time care throughout life, spouses leave, family members become addicted to drugs or alcohol, children die. There are so many reasons that can cause any person to become unmarried, alone, disconnected, which then may cause fear of dying alone . So, now I realize that the dying alone fear can hit ANYONE in this life. The antidote? Community. Diversity in relationships. Giving to others. Having faith. I have found, as I look at my wonderful friendship with my friend with a singing chicken, I know SHE will show up for me or, if need be, I will show up for her in the end. And she is one of many that my heart will be drawn towards in our final days as I know my community will be drawn towards me in my final days. Now, I do not fear dying alone . It’s almost laughable, just as the singing chicken was the day my friend shared her with me. May we keep sharing our singing chicken moments with each other as we build community, bridges, and friendship. And may NONE of us fear dying alone .

Holding starfish | Franklin, TN | Shara Smile

SLINGING the DANG STARFISH

By sharasmile • 06 Dec, 2019

Last year I started a new job. A High School Counseling position at a LARGE high school in Fairfax County, Va. I had a huge learning curve. It was like drinking from a firehose, for sure! Well, work at school this year has been VERY DIFFERENT than last year. I’m feeling much BETTER at my job and much more capable. Now that I’m not drowning in the LOGISTICS like “who do I call??” and “What is the phone number?” or “How do I get to that classroom even??” Or “How do I access that report on the computer!??” NOW, I can CARE about the kids. And…care, I DO! And CARING is HARD WORK. Caring and working hard to HELP A KID can drag you down….and I/we help SO MANY KIDS every day (and YOU, yes YOU probably help a kid or an adult or a group of workers, or ANYONE every day!)…and sometimes with all of that HARD WORK you just want to REST for many days, or throw your hands up in the air, or yell to the sky, or….maybe even some days, you want to give up.

Happy woman | Franklin, TN | Shara Smile

Conquering the Lion of Making a HARD CHANGE

By sharasmile • 14 Jul, 2019

One of the first things they asked us in counselors school was : “Do you think people can change?”…to be honest, I hadn’t thought about it much (really!??), I just wanted to help people when they were in sad times. I wanted to be part of a support system. I wanted to make an impact in lives… but PEOPLE CHANGE?