Conquering the Lion of Making a HARD CHANGE

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Conquering the Lion of Making a HARD CHANGE

sharasmile • July 14, 2019

One of the first things they asked us in counselors school was : “Do you think people can change?”…to be honest, I hadn’t thought about it much (really!??), I just wanted to help people when they were in sad times. I wanted to be part of a support system. I wanted to make an impact in lives… but PEOPLE CHANGE?

I said “yes”, but only because I knew that was the “right” answer. Of course, I know now that that is the key belief of a counselor. People can make change and can CHANGE.

There’s a ton of science that supports change and how change happens in your brain, but I won’t get into all of that. The point is, people can change if they want to, and that’s what I hang my hat on as a counselor. They WANT TO.

But I didn’t go to counselor school to BE CHANGED. I went to help OTHERS CHANGE. And of course, through counselor school….and being a counselor… I’ve changed.

“Shara you’ve changed”

It’s a phrase I’ve heard more than once in the past year or two. Some people uttering this phrase mean it in a positive way, others do not.

I titled today “Change and life altering moments” because I know there have been times in my life when something has been said or I’ve experienced something that has made me stop in my tracks, ponder, and it has urged a change.

One of these experiences was many years ago when my friend, Eric Faulk died. At his funeral, people spoke about how utterly silly and goofy he was. They loved and cherished this about Erick. I did too. It hit me that that’s one of the things Erick and I did well together. We PLAYED. We were silly and goofy. I would miss that terribly now that he was gone. Then I thought about my own silliness, my own goofiness. All my life (until that moment), I’d tried to conceal this aspect of my personality…SOMEWHAT…. I didn’t really like this part of who I was. I mean, I WAS SILLY and GOOFY, but I only shared that side with people I knew and trusted. I thought that side of me was unrefined and didn’t seem intelligent. I only wanted to come across as refined, classy and intelligent. I altered an aspect of who I was because I wanted to be PERCIEVED a certain way. After Erick’s funeral, and thinking about who he was in all of our lives, I made a decision and a CHANGE happened. I decided to EMBRACE my silly, goofy side. It wouldn’t matter who saw this side of me, if it was the natural thing to do or be, I wouldn’t hold back. I would BE ALL of me.

That was many years ago and I’m happy to say that that change HAS STUCK. I’m completely happy with all of my “sides”, especially my silly side. I don’t care that I may not appear refined when I’m showing that side of myself…I LIKE that side of myself. This change…WAS EASY.

The change that’s happened more recently is a more challenging one, and I’ve spoken about it often in bits and pieces because it’s a more encompassing change.

I changed the way I EAT.

Now, you may think, this is not THAT big of a deal, but as you know, this EATING HABIT change affected my weight and how I LOOK, and this, in turn has changed the way I FEEL which has, in turn, changed some of my behaviors.

I’m not going to get into ALL OF THAT…

HOWEVER, what I DO WANT to share (for hopefully the good of others!) is that this CHANGING the way I EAT first started with an EXTERNAL MOTIVATOR telling me what to do. I had a “Coach” of sorts basically saying, “If you want to lose weight, you’ll do what I say.” (Basically, don’t ask any questions). So, I followed blindly.

And I learned some new behaviors. Not only did I CHANGE WHAT I ATE, I changed HOW and WHEN I ate.

Let me explain. I went for an all-out OVERHAUL of my eating behaviors. Now, this is not what everyone NEEDS to do, but it is what I NEEDED to do.

I was told to pack my lunch and dinner if I needed before I went to work. I was told to pack my lunch and dinner, if needed if I was going on a boat. I was told to research my meal prior to eating out. Could I get the food I needed there? If not, I couldn’t eat there. If I were going to a friend’s house for dinner, I had to see if they had what I could eat in advance. If I were going to a party, I had to ask about what would be served. I was instructed that I should ALWAYS PACK my lunch or dinner, just in case there wasn’t something I could eat that was on my program.

Pretty drastic, huh??

Well, it was, and I HATED IT. BUT I DID IT. And man, did my people RISE TO THE OCCASION to support and encourage me. THIS WAS probably the HARDEST THING I HAD TO do while learning to eat differently….to BE DIFFERENT. TO ASK FOR WHAT I NEEDED, to ASK PEOPLE do something FOR ME that seemed inconvenient. I talked with my coach. I complained. I groaned, I stomped and snorted, and fought it every step of the way. Eventually it got easier because I saw that people that supported me weren’t bothered by what I needed at all, they were actually HAPPY TO HELP. I learned that asking for what I needed was GOOD FOR ME. And of course, feeling better on the inside helped a lot! BUT even though it got easier, there have always been moments when I feel like I don’t want to stand out or do something different. I want to be just like everyone else.

SO… now I’m doing this “eating thing” on my own. There’s no more coach. No more guidelines, no more “just do what I say”. I’ve made the changes and I ‘ve lost the weight, so…I should be DONE now, right?

Not really.

Now that I’m doing this “change thing” on my own, I hold myself accountable…I tell MYSELF what to do….and sometimes that’s HARDER.

Here’s my moment. TODAY, I had to attend a work training. One in which lunch would be provided. THE OLD ME would have been super excited about having a lunch that was from someplace catered. I’d be excited to eat something new and different. BUT today I knew if I didn’t have food that was good for me, I’d be tempted to eat something that wouldn’t make me feel good. So, I packed my lunch (like I ALWAYS DO) and I headed out. This is my first year at this job. The people I work with are new to me. Of course, there was that nagging feeling that at lunch I’d be the “different one” eating my lunch while everyone noshed on the catered meal. I worried that I’d feel weird. I wondered about who would say what….I figured, “Oh well, I’ve been through it before, so I can do it again.”

The moment came when I sat down and someone else had brought her own lunch. Then another co-worker had a special meal/food request because of her allergies. A third co-worker sitting beside me hadn’t asked for the special meal but was pulling apart her sandwich to get to the parts she wanted to eat. She was giving away her chips and cookie. I pulled out my lunch and NO ONE SAID A WORD. NO ONE GAVE ME A STRANGE LOOK. NO ONE MADE ANY snide comments. No one made any “jokes” (which aren’t helpful when you’re trying to make good changes). I wanted to find a microwave to heat something up that I brought and I went looking for one and bumped into someone else looking for a microwave. I WASN’T ALONE. I WASN’T the only one! On my microwave journey, the people with the “special lunches” (salads) were asking if we wanted a salad. I took a salad box and brought it back to the table for my co-worker that clearly needed and wanted a salad but hadn’t requested it. She was so grateful.

The moral of the tale: CHANGE is HARD. BUT CHANGE can be very good. In that moment, I learned that it’s really OK for me to ask for and DO what I need when it comes to food and my health. I don’t have to explain myself or have any medical reasons for eating what I eat. I like what I like. I want what I want…. it’s OK. And that moment was a wonderful reminder of what I feel it SHOULD BE LIKE to be accepted, no questions asked.

I also realize that these people don’t know “the different, new” Shara. They only know me as I am now…and they LIKE and ACCEPT me as I am now. It’s a nice thought to know that from this point on, the people I get to know won’t question or wonder or ask or look. It’s nice to know that my change has become my “New Normal”.

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By Shara Carter • December 20, 2023

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Conquering the LION of Dying Alone

By sharasmile • November 28, 2022

A Singing Chicken and Dying Alone …..Wait, WHAT? Dying Alone is a trigger phrase that I think many people have thought about and feared. Well, I’m in the norm on this one and I want to share a little about how this phrase and the fear of dying alone , for me, morphed over time and, thankfully, is no longer a fear. But what about singing chickens ? Let me explain. Last weekend, one of my best friends sent me the funniest video. She has bought a house in the country and has been working to renovate it and make it home. Unbeknownst to me, she now has chickens. Randomly, she sent a video of her chicken: “Agatha, who sings opera”. She texted: “turn up the volume” attached with the video. I quickly complied, watched and listened…. And laughed. Folks, her chicken literally sounds like she is singing opera. Of course I wanted to share it with the world. After my laughter died (after watching it several times), I thought about our friendship. One that goes back to 2002 before we were roommates in our 30’s. Both single gals, dating in the Northern Virginia/ Washington D.C area, we shared many ups and downs during that time. Relationships loved and lost over the years. In the years since, we have both moved out of the DC area each to our different state homes. Our friendship has stayed strong. I laughed and wondered if we would have EVER imagined ourselves living the lives we have now, both still single, her in the country with chickens and myself in the Nashville area working as a counselor. People, I NEVER knew she wanted to own chickens! Apparently, it was always a dream of hers. As I laughed about a singing chicken, which seemed the most random shift for my friend’s life, I thought about how my life has taken many shifts over the years. Where I once feared living as a person not married and not having children, that of course would lead to the fear of dying alone . I thought about my many friends, family members, and life experiences I have made, developed, and had since those days when I feared dyin g alone I thought about how I no longer fear dying alone as a person not married. Side bar: I like the reframe of “single” to “not married”. If you ask anyone that knows me well, I have many relationships and do not FEEL alone (single) too often. So the word “single” doesn’t seem to fit. I’d go even as far as to say that in my unmarried-ness I may be more connected than some of my married counterparts. OK, I KNOW these types of relationships are very different , however, I also know that just because one is married, that does not guarantee b eing connected, t ogether , or n ot feeling alone . But that’s a BLOG for a different day! In thinking back to my fear of dying alone , I was able to realize that what that meant was that if and when I became unhealthy, incapacitated, that no one would visit me, help me, care about my well-being. The fear of dying alone meant that few people would come to my funeral or that my life, in the end would be as if it never happened. That it would make little impact. That no one would care, no one would know of my dying process or my actual death. The FEAR of dying alone was more about the meaning of my life and the impact of my life on others. That FEAR was more about not making a difference on this planet and in essence, not making a difference in the hearts and minds of other humans. When I’ve had time over the past years to think about my impact, what I want it to be, and who I want it to be on, I have made decisions and become more proactive about the use of my time, my energies, and the recognition on the use of my talents. When my dad died, sure, he had his family surrounding him in his last days. but he also had many other people I didn’t even know he had in his life. Friends, colleagues, classmates, former work friends, the list was long. I heard story after story from these people about how my dad changed their lives for the better. My D ad left a legacy not only in who I am as his c hild , but in the person he was as a man, a philanthropist, a volunteer, a worker, a brother, an uncle. My dad’s life touched many lives and that was because he cared about people. He gave time, energy, and money to others. He left a major impact on people’s lives through the many facets of his personality and a life well-lived. HE showed me what it meant to build a strong community around oneself and live using all of one’s talents for the betterment of others. In the process of becoming a counselor, and observing lives, life change, and relationships over the years, I have had the privilege of working with people from all walks of life that have shared their fears and heart breaks with me. I have come to see that married people with children have spouses die, children turn away from parents, children have disabilities and need full-time care throughout life, spouses leave, family members become addicted to drugs or alcohol, children die. There are so many reasons that can cause any person to become unmarried, alone, disconnected, which then may cause fear of dying alone . So, now I realize that the dying alone fear can hit ANYONE in this life. The antidote? Community. Diversity in relationships. Giving to others. Having faith. I have found, as I look at my wonderful friendship with my friend with a singing chicken, I know SHE will show up for me or, if need be, I will show up for her in the end. And she is one of many that my heart will be drawn towards in our final days as I know my community will be drawn towards me in my final days. Now, I do not fear dying alone . It’s almost laughable, just as the singing chicken was the day my friend shared her with me. May we keep sharing our singing chicken moments with each other as we build community, bridges, and friendship. And may NONE of us fear dying alone .

Holding starfish | Franklin, TN | Shara Smile

SLINGING the DANG STARFISH

By sharasmile • December 6, 2019

Last year I started a new job. A High School Counseling position at a LARGE high school in Fairfax County, Va. I had a huge learning curve. It was like drinking from a firehose, for sure! Well, work at school this year has been VERY DIFFERENT than last year. I’m feeling much BETTER at my job and much more capable. Now that I’m not drowning in the LOGISTICS like “who do I call??” and “What is the phone number?” or “How do I get to that classroom even??” Or “How do I access that report on the computer!??” NOW, I can CARE about the kids. And…care, I DO! And CARING is HARD WORK. Caring and working hard to HELP A KID can drag you down….and I/we help SO MANY KIDS every day (and YOU, yes YOU probably help a kid or an adult or a group of workers, or ANYONE every day!)…and sometimes with all of that HARD WORK you just want to REST for many days, or throw your hands up in the air, or yell to the sky, or….maybe even some days, you want to give up.

Women jumping in beach background | Franklin, TN | Shara Smile

Conquering the Lion of Body Image

By sharasmile • July 5, 2019

“The Lord doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart” 1 Samuel 16:7, NLT

Lonely woman | Franklin, TN | Shara Smile

Conquering the Lion of….Grief and Loss….(it’s not just about Death and Dying)

By sharasmile • May 20, 2019

When we hear the phrase “Grief and Loss”, often images of someone grieving over another who has died comes to mind. Perhaps you think of Kubler and Ross’s Five Stages of Grief, “denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance”. Of course it makes sense to attach “grief and loss” to death, but I’d like to challenge us to expand our thinking to include (more regularly) much more.