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A Unique Approach to Counseling

A Singing Chicken and Dying Alone …..Wait, WHAT? Dying Alone is a trigger phrase that I think many people have thought about and feared. Well, I’m in the norm on this one and I want to share a little about how this phrase and the fear of dying alone , for me, morphed over time and, thankfully, is no longer a fear. But what about singing chickens ? Let me explain. Last weekend, one of my best friends sent me the funniest video. She has bought a house in the country and has been working to renovate it and make it home. Unbeknownst to me, she now has chickens. Randomly, she sent a video of her chicken: “Agatha, who sings opera”. She texted: “turn up the volume” attached with the video. I quickly complied, watched and listened…. And laughed. Folks, her chicken literally sounds like she is singing opera. Of course I wanted to share it with the world. After my laughter died (after watching it several times), I thought about our friendship. One that goes back to 2002 before we were roommates in our 30’s. Both single gals, dating in the Northern Virginia/ Washington D.C area, we shared many ups and downs during that time. Relationships loved and lost over the years. In the years since, we have both moved out of the DC area each to our different state homes. Our friendship has stayed strong. I laughed and wondered if we would have EVER imagined ourselves living the lives we have now, both still single, her in the country with chickens and myself in the Nashville area working as a counselor. People, I NEVER knew she wanted to own chickens! Apparently, it was always a dream of hers. As I laughed about a singing chicken, which seemed the most random shift for my friend’s life, I thought about how my life has taken many shifts over the years. Where I once feared living as a person not married and not having children, that of course would lead to the fear of dying alone . I thought about my many friends, family members, and life experiences I have made, developed, and had since those days when I feared dyin g alone I thought about how I no longer fear dying alone as a person not married. Side bar: I like the reframe of “single” to “not married”. If you ask anyone that knows me well, I have many relationships and do not FEEL alone (single) too often. So the word “single” doesn’t seem to fit. I’d go even as far as to say that in my unmarried-ness I may be more connected than some of my married counterparts. OK, I KNOW these types of relationships are very different , however, I also know that just because one is married, that does not guarantee b eing connected, t ogether , or n ot feeling alone . But that’s a BLOG for a different day! In thinking back to my fear of dying alone , I was able to realize that what that meant was that if and when I became unhealthy, incapacitated, that no one would visit me, help me, care about my well-being. The fear of dying alone meant that few people would come to my funeral or that my life, in the end would be as if it never happened. That it would make little impact. That no one would care, no one would know of my dying process or my actual death. The FEAR of dying alone was more about the meaning of my life and the impact of my life on others. That FEAR was more about not making a difference on this planet and in essence, not making a difference in the hearts and minds of other humans. When I’ve had time over the past years to think about my impact, what I want it to be, and who I want it to be on, I have made decisions and become more proactive about the use of my time, my energies, and the recognition on the use of my talents. When my dad died, sure, he had his family surrounding him in his last days. but he also had many other people I didn’t even know he had in his life. Friends, colleagues, classmates, former work friends, the list was long. I heard story after story from these people about how my dad changed their lives for the better. My D ad left a legacy not only in who I am as his c hild , but in the person he was as a man, a philanthropist, a volunteer, a worker, a brother, an uncle. My dad’s life touched many lives and that was because he cared about people. He gave time, energy, and money to others. He left a major impact on people’s lives through the many facets of his personality and a life well-lived. HE showed me what it meant to build a strong community around oneself and live using all of one’s talents for the betterment of others. In the process of becoming a counselor, and observing lives, life change, and relationships over the years, I have had the privilege of working with people from all walks of life that have shared their fears and heart breaks with me. I have come to see that married people with children have spouses die, children turn away from parents, children have disabilities and need full-time care throughout life, spouses leave, family members become addicted to drugs or alcohol, children die. There are so many reasons that can cause any person to become unmarried, alone, disconnected, which then may cause fear of dying alone . So, now I realize that the dying alone fear can hit ANYONE in this life. The antidote? Community. Diversity in relationships. Giving to others. Having faith. I have found, as I look at my wonderful friendship with my friend with a singing chicken, I know SHE will show up for me or, if need be, I will show up for her in the end. And she is one of many that my heart will be drawn towards in our final days as I know my community will be drawn towards me in my final days. Now, I do not fear dying alone . It’s almost laughable, just as the singing chicken was the day my friend shared her with me. May we keep sharing our singing chicken moments with each other as we build community, bridges, and friendship. And may NONE of us fear dying alone .

Last year I started a new job. A High School Counseling position at a LARGE high school in Fairfax County, Va. I had a huge learning curve. It was like drinking from a firehose, for sure! Well, work at school this year has been VERY DIFFERENT than last year. I’m feeling much BETTER at my job and much more capable. Now that I’m not drowning in the LOGISTICS like “who do I call??” and “What is the phone number?” or “How do I get to that classroom even??” Or “How do I access that report on the computer!??” NOW, I can CARE about the kids. And…care, I DO! And CARING is HARD WORK. Caring and working hard to HELP A KID can drag you down….and I/we help SO MANY KIDS every day (and YOU, yes YOU probably help a kid or an adult or a group of workers, or ANYONE every day!)…and sometimes with all of that HARD WORK you just want to REST for many days, or throw your hands up in the air, or yell to the sky, or….maybe even some days, you want to give up.

One of the first things they asked us in counselors school was : “Do you think people can change?”…to be honest, I hadn’t thought about it much (really!??), I just wanted to help people when they were in sad times. I wanted to be part of a support system. I wanted to make an impact in lives… but PEOPLE CHANGE?

“The Lord doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart” 1 Samuel 16:7, NLT

When we hear the phrase “Grief and Loss”, often images of someone grieving over another who has died comes to mind. Perhaps you think of Kubler and Ross’s Five Stages of Grief, “denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance”. Of course it makes sense to attach “grief and loss” to death, but I’d like to challenge us to expand our thinking to include (more regularly) much more.

Isaiah 40:28

Exodus 17:10-15 New International Version (NIV)

One of my favorite children’s books (I have many!) is, “Oh The Places You’ll Go!” By Dr. Suess. It’s so full of positive energy and sentiment!