November Newsletter -  2023

As we head into the holidays, my thoughts move to family, togetherness and….conflict. Negative experiences with family members are difficult to manage. Thoughts of holidays can bring more stress that joy. While issues with family members could be locked in the past, trauma lives in the body and mind, and can show up in surprising ways. We may have a “Trauma Response”. Of course, a trauma response may be connected to elements other than family, however, for the sake of the holiday season, I thought I could offer some thoughts.

First there are different types of trauma: “T” Trauma, and “t” trauma. If you think you have been spared from any type of trauma in life, you are most likely wrong (more on the different types next month!). The ways our bodies and minds react to trauma-- “Trauma Responses” are far and wide. Some reactions may be: feeling distant and detached, an inability to make decisions, feeling “wound up” or jittery, feeling overwhelmed. Your body may be talking to you-- an upset stomach, not being able to eat, a racing heart, or your body shaking or sweating. Emotionally you may feel nervous, sad, angry, numb. There are many ways we respond to both types of trauma and that, in turn, can impact our relationships, our thoughts, behaviors and how we deal with holidays.

I would also like to introduce a term I have created called a “Hope Response”. It can FEEL the exact opposite of a trauma response initially, but the aftermath (if the hope is deferred/not met) can move you back into a state that feels like a “Trauma Response”. Let me explain. 

A “Hope Response” is when the mind sees and experiences thoughts, feelings and responses from the world and others that triggers an intense hopeful feeling. For instance, getting pregnant after you have been trying for months or years, or dating someone after you have experienced a romantic dry spell, finding the home of your dreams after searching for months, or having expectations of that “perfect holiday season”. In the “Hope Response”, you allow yourself to see the future, plan into this “dream come true”, feel the joy, experience the lift of stress or that sense of dull or loss. Your heart rate may increase for the best reason: excitement or love. You may feel jumpy because you can’t hold in your enthusiasm. For the first time in many months or years you see the light at the end of the tunnel, and it’s not just a glimmer, it’s a floodlight! This “jolt” of happiness and hope has a profound impact and everything in you wants to SUSTAIN THIS FEELING. When the baby is miscarried, the relationship ends, the contract falls through, the holiday has a wrench thrown in it, our hearts feel shattered. The “Hope Response” (the intense joy), almost causes a stronger, more painful result if the end of the hope feelings are not met with our expectations.

Whether you are dealing with a Trauma Response or a Hope Response, the impact can be difficult and even damaging. If you or a loved one is having a hard time dealing with the upcoming holiday season, might I encourage you to seek out help? Having an outside, emotionally neutral individual to listen and give strategies, thoughts, and ways to process either response may be the best gift you give yourself this holiday season!